When I first wanted to get contact lenses, it took me four or five separate sessions at the optometrist for me to come to grips with the DISGUSTING concept of touching my eyeball. I clenched my eyes shut before the contact could settle every goddamn time.

Fast forward to present day (a mere year since I started wearing contacts): I’ve had conjunctivitis for two months. I’ve seen four doctors and tried, like, six different medications, and still my eyes are STILL all bloodshot and sore all the time.

As I’m thinking about all of this, Karl Pilkington’s voice pops into my head and says: Maybe, back then when I was gettin’ contacts n’ that, me eyes knew better than me brain. 

Cause me brain wanted the contacts, see? Me brain was thinkin’ “Ahhh yehhh contacts yehh.” But me eyes were going, “Oi! …Don’t be putting that in there.” Cause me eyes KNEW they were sensitive and prone to irritation/infection.

Other theories I subscribe to:

- My blood’s paranoid.
- I have jealous bones.
- My eyes can see farther than I can.